My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement