@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.

She finished at 9.

I am concerned on so many levels right now.

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@whatmaddness

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

@thatcarlygirl

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

@WalkingOutside

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@squirrel74wkgn

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

@onion_an

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

@Dave_Philips

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

@Twtercide

911: What is your emergency?

Me: Fire

911: Riley, is that you?

Me:….

911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.