A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Monday
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*