*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.
She finished at 9.
I am concerned on so many levels right now.
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
911: What is your emergency?
911: Riley, is that you?
911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.