My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
You Might Also Like
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
There’s only one good girl here!
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Oh. My. God.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views