My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”