My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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i did the math
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides