My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud