Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly