my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Every photo I’m tagged in
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.