@mrsburtmacklin

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

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@pilau

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@_coryrichardson

girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never

@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@fishbowel

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@ok_one_more

I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”

& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.

@DrakeGatsby

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*