my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

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Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please


If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.


girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never


My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.


Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull


My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.


“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”


My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.


I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”

& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.


[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*