Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.