this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Good morning
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Happy Febuary everyone!
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”