my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Monday
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Important
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
This is my pinned tweet
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*