My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

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My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.


If you’re going to lie about where you’re from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like “New Zealand”


me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings


[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot


Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.


Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.


“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”


[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..



[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic


Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.