My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Lmfao
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Pass gas, not judgment.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.