@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

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@_salt_n_lime

My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.

@drinksmcgee

If you’re going to lie about where you’re from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like “New Zealand”

@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@LoveNLunchmeat

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@SteveSuckington

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

@T_Bonezzz_

[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..

Me: HODOR…

@chuuew

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

@LosLos__

Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.