My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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If you’re going to lie about where you’re from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like “New Zealand”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.