My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
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I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Not today
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*