My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…