Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)