My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

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Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now


Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”


Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?


DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing


Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!


*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself*

‘wait, if that’s here’

*son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*


After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.


Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest


Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem