My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

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Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!


For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.


-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult


Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”


If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.


Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?


HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still


Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.


[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.