Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself*
‘wait, if that’s here’
*son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem