@FatherWithTwins

My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!

@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.

@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@slimmy_shady

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@bornmiserable

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

@E_lok44

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.