My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

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Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?


A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”


Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.


My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.


You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.


[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog