My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Feel. He’s so soft.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now