My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me