My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*launders Kohls cash*
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
🤭😂
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Tuesday
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
marvel comics have peaked
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc