My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Waiting for the Charmin
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
2022: I can fix it
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
A friend sent me this.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.