@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

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@Gupton68

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

@RodLacroix

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@thatUPSdude

Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

@FrauFickenDammt

You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.

@texasstalkermom

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.