My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.


Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy


Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM


A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”


[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?


Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.


You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.


Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.