My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.