Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat