@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

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@seandunn76

Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.

K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.

Me: Hold me, Kensington.

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@joejwest

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

@seamusmckracken

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

@EndhooS

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

@TedBundybitch

When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying