@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

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@JediGigi

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

@RandomManik

I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.

@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

@caribdonna

My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you’re half right.

@Shenaniglenns

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

@18_edits

Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?

@wolfpupy

first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time

@dumbbeezie

When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things