my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

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Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops


7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?


I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.


Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.


My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you’re half right.


Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds


Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?


first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time


When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things