My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
You Might Also Like
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Oh my God.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.