My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1