@Anniewritess

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

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@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

@GeminiJew

Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.

@justabloodygame

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
?????

@Free_the_DJ

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@semple42

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

@lovemydogduck

I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.