My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years


Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.


*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*


Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.


I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”


I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.


I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.