My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
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My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Nice try Hitler
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’