@tararose711

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

@david8hughes

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

@FU_TangClan

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

@GoldenSpirals

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

@AristotlesNZ

First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

@dadthatwrites

Me: God give me inner peace.

God: Here.

Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.

God: What you do with it is upto you.

@jailrespecter

if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”