@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

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@AngelaEhh

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

@AKackley

Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@TheHyyyype

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

@aschiavone

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

@Darlainky

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@mattZillaaaa

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”