My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.


I’m pretty.


Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?


Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.


People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.


[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital


Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal


[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*


Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.


A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”