My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
You Might Also Like
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
12. I think about this all the damn time
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.