@sammyrhodes

My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.

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@jergarl

Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.

@ramenfuneral

I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I’m going to dye.

@ObscureGent

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

@AngelaEhh

Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.

@meghaffer

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@thomas_violence

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

@FormerGrunt

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.