Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.