My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.

You Might Also Like


Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.


I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I’m going to dye.


What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle


Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.


I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?


her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part


windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol


I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.


When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.