I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”