Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.