My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob