@TheNYAMProject

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

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@DRUNKHULK

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

@JoParkerBear

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

@TheOnlyMommaG

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

@longwall26

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@joshgondelman

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.

@RayInOhio

Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.

@sween

I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.