My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.