@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

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@Fred_Delicious

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

@chagger73

Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.

@erdmanmolly

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

@Douchekevin

Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

@PettyRuxpin83

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

@aveuaskew

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

@karanbirtinna

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

@TheHyyyype

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone