My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
You Might Also Like
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Thursday
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time