My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Still a very good boi….
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
sir, my pâté if you please
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.