me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
ME: Why are you leaving?
WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago
ME: Manhasset been that long?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14