@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

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@ClichedOut

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@henchbeaver

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park

@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

@Sickayduh

ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?

@KylePlantEmoji

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

@hunz74

My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.

@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

@SarahFemme

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

@DanMentos

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14