[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.