@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

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@ObscureGent

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@Darlainky

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

@lisaxy424

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

@ClichedOut

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

@VeganZebra

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

@AmishPornStar1

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@sixfootcandy

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.