My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

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me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her


How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the screenplay for Jurassic Park


Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever


ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?


ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit


My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.


My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.


The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.


I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14