My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Wake me when AI does housework
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
guys I’m going home
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.