@HeyoShellz

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

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@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@slackerjorge

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

@MattyBShow

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

@not_delicate

Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me

Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship

Him: but… we’re married

Me: yeah I gotta go

@BlitznBeans

“This is not fair!” – Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money