My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?