My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.
I don’t discriminate among size guys.
Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*