@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

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@thebeckyard

My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.

@nbadag

[jurassic world]
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all

@POTerritory

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

@kimwilliamz

When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.

@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@LostFelicia

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

@lmegordon

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

@sad_saurus

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

@nbadag

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*