Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
SF is the wild wild west man
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells