My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

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Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*


Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.


Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.


Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.


Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.


[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today