My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
This is always good for a laugh.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea