My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
work smarter, not harder
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”