My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[adds another nod to the conversation]
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not