My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.