@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

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@abbycohenwl

[before inflatable air dancers]
Tire Store Owner: Nobody seems to notice my store
Worker: Have you tried writhing in pain out in front all day?

@theshamingofjay

What is everyone writing songs about?

John: revolution

Paul: forgiveness

George: true love

Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

@pleatedjeans

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

@kumailn

Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

@Contwixt

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

@WhirledRecord

USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*