My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

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Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.


Never understood the concept of the gift card. For the same 50 bucks you could’ve just give me 50 bucks.


Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF


I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.


[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys


[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?


WIFE: Apple?


WIFE: Lavender?


ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents


This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.


So I licked her face.


I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.