@threetimedaddy

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@Turn2Dude

Never understood the concept of the gift card. For the same 50 bucks you could’ve just give me 50 bucks.

@DannyZuker

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

@Tmoney68

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

@OliveStuff

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

@daemonic3

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

@PetrickSara

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

@HeyZeus666

I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.