Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
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God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems
aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.