My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

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Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.


[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch


God: POP


I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.


I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.


My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.


her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that’s astronomy, and yes


your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems

aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon


My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.


Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.