[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there鈥檚 a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I鈥檒l get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don鈥檛 worry, he鈥檚 dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I鈥檓 not going. That鈥檚 exercise.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I am a:
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 gooseLooking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 bread
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.