@ashleycrem

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

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@existential_d

couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship

gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-

me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito

@Jam453Lane

Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.

@KtotheK39

Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.

@ValeeGrrl

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@Cpin42

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?