This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship
gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-
me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito
Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
What I say:
Get in the car
What my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.