My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
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Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Webb. James Webb.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Think I pulled my liver
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.