“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.