My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.

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Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal


Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.


Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs


Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.


If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.


Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!


me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me


If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.