My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”