COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers
[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU
When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.