Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.