@pro_worrier_

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

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@Rollinintheseat

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

@SketchesbyBoze

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

@BigJDubz

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

@iamburtjarvis

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

@Darlainky

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

@GeorgeTakei

In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.

@PetrickSara

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.